I have known my son for 15 years and in that time, I have accumulated so many times that he has lied to me.  Many of those times, he never confessed to lying.  And yet, many, if not all, of those instances were not done to intentionally hurt me or someone else.  Lately, lying occurs to cover up things he forgot about, mistakes he made, or even when he was overwhelmed and he knew if he told the truth, it was going to result in an argument that he just didn’t have the bandwidth for.

To be clear, having ADHD does not inherently make an individual dishonest.  However, some of the main symptoms of ADHD, the constant negative feedback, shame and overwhelm can make not telling the whole truth or omitting the truth completely seem appealing.  Read on to explore how this connection weaves an integrated web that can be challenging to untangle.

Can ADHD Cause Lying?

The short answer is no, lying is not an identifying symptom of ADHD.  However, some of the core characteristics of ADHD can create a situation where lying is tempting. From a teen’s perspective, say they forgot to turn in their fourth homework assignment for a class.  The teacher has already emailed parents after the first three, so mom and dad are alerted to the fact that there is a problem.  When mom asks the student if the fourth assignment was turned in, the student lies and says yes.  Why?

• Shame-most ADHD kids legitimately want to do well and they feel bad that they forgot…again.
• Impulsiveness-the lie just popped out to avoid conflict without really thinking about the consequences.
• Overwhelm– they don’t want to be lectured or have another argument over the same thing.
• Hiding Information-maybe if they lie, mom won’t ever find the truth out.
• Avoidance-that assignment was SOOOOO LOOOONGGGG and complicated, the student just didn’t want to deal with that at that moment.
• Forgetfulness-and because they didn’t deal with it immediately, the assignment was completely forgotten.

None of these reasons imply real, conscious intention to lie to hurt someone, but rather, it is based in self-preservation and is often done before fully thinking through the decision.

Why Do People With ADHD Lie?

Here’s a deeper look at some of the reasons I listed in the example above:

Forgetfulness and Memory Problems

• Forgetting something happened
• Forgetting an obligation
• Genuinely believing they completed something

Impulsivity

• Answering before thinking
• Saying what comes to mind
• Realizing afterward that the answer wasn’t accurate

Avoiding Conflict or Disappointment

• Saying “yes” when they meant “no” (people pleasing)
• Making excuses because they don’t want to disappoint someone
• Avoiding an uncomfortable conversation

Shame and Fear of Being Judged

• Fear of being seen as lazy, careless, unreliable, or irresponsible
• Trying to hide another mistake
• The impact of repeated criticism

Overwhelm and Mental Exhaustion

• Too many demands
• Difficulty keeping track of everything
• Reaching a point where answering honestly feels harder than simply trying to make the problem go away

Why ADHD Can Create a Cycle of Lying and Shame

This can easily lead to a cycle of behaviors, illustrated below:

ADHD symptom → mistake or forgotten responsibility → fear/shame → hiding or lying → temporary relief → increased shame → more avoidance

Much like procrastination, avoiding the behavior provides a temporary relief of putting off a non-desirable task or confrontation.  The problem becomes that the longer it’s put off, the more shame increases and that makes it even harder to tackle the initial problem.

Is It Lying or an ADHD-Related Memory Problem?

This is a great question and the answer is: it could be either.  ADHDers have impaired working memory skills, so when I tell my son to “go move your laundry to the dryer”, unless he does it immediately, he will not remember to do that later.  This is an example of “I forgot” versus intentionally not performing the task to upset me.  Another example is when I fussed at my daughter for not texting me back right away and she claimed that she absolutely did, only to check and see that the text was never sent.  This is an example of differences between inaccurate recall and deliberate deception; she didn’t tell me she did, knowing that she did not.  Working memory recall is a legitimate symptom related to ADHD, so it’s important to address the pattern of forgetfulness or misremembering details, rather than making a judgement about someone’s intent.  If an ADHDer could change their memory capacity, trust me, they would.

How ADHD and Lying Can Affect Relationships

Regardless of intent, lying can have an effect on relationships.  Some examples include:

• Trust
• Communication
• Parenting/family relationships
• Romantic relationships
• Feeling misunderstood
• The person with ADHD feeling constantly accused or ashamed
• The other person feeling frustrated or unable to rely on what they’re being told

Unfortunately, the shame associated with these effects will only perpetuate the lying-shame cycle.

How to Break the Cycle of ADHD, Lying, and Shame

Notice Your Triggers

Awareness is always the first step.  When you find yourself lying or about to lie, ask yourself:

• When are you most likely to hide something:
  • After forgetting?
  • When you’re overwhelmed?
  • When you expect criticism?

Pause Before You Answer

• Give yourself time to think, rather than responding automatically.

Create Systems for ADHD Challenges

If you find that you struggle with remembering everything, it’s important to develop a system to be your “working memory”.  This may include:

• External reminders
• Written commitments
• Calendars
• Routines
• Other strategies that reduce reliance on memory

I help clients develop systems for themselves and for their families.  No two clients have been the same!  These systems start with what you are already good at and then we build from there.

Practice Honesty Without Self-Attack

• Taking responsibility without labeling yourself as a “liar”
• Learning to say, “I forgot,” “I didn’t get to it,” or “I don’t remember.”

Address the Shame Underneath the Behavior

• Shame usually drives the avoidance-if you already feel bad, it feels impossible to correct the course.
• If you practice self-compassion, labeling things as “a mistake”, “I can fix it”, etc., usually makes it easier to be honest.

ADHD Doesn’t Make You a Liar

ADHD can help explain certain patterns without excusing harmful behavior.  The goal isn’t simply to stop lying; it’s to understand what’s driving the behavior and develop healthier ways to respond.

NOTE: If ADHD symptoms, shame, or relationship difficulties are significantly affecting your life or the lives of others, then please seek professional support.