October is ADHD Awareness Month.  Just like the many colors of the fall leaves, ADHD brings a variety of whimsy, color, and excitement to my family.  However, I didn’t always feel this way; for a long time, ADHD was something I didn’t want to accept and I felt like it was a black mark against my children (and some days it still feels this way).  I wanted to share a little bit about our journey to acceptance as we recognize all of the strengths that ADHD kids do have!

It was clear from an early age that our twin boys were more active than other boys their age.  However, we only had our daughter to compare them to, so it was hard for us to rule out that their behavior wasn’t just normal three year old boy behavior.  On top of this, we had twins, who fed off of each other’s reactions constantly (and at 14, still do).  Because of these factors, my husband and I were resistant to any suggestion of intervention.  And looking back, I don’t regret that resistance; it can be so difficult to decipher between three year old behavior and ADHD, and I appreciated having the time and space to process the possibilities.  An important factor to note is that my husband and I did not just put our heads in the sand during this time; we continued to watch our children, take notes, have regular conversations with our pediatrician and weigh future decisions.  It’s important for parents to have an open mind and consider possibilities, even if it’s scary or not what you want to hear.  

When our sons started Kindergarten, school was just short of a disaster.  We separated them for the first time in their lives, a decision that I still have mixed feelings about.  While I know it made it easier for the teachers, it was very hard on our boys.  They missed each other and being required to sit still all day was so hard and took so much energy, that they lashed out on each other on the playground, eventually being banned from playing with each other at recess all together.  It was at this point that we really started to believe that we were going to have to evaluate our sons.  Throughout the year, we had one devastating conversation after another focused on what our boys couldn’t do.  Fast forward to the following school year when our boys repeated Kindergarten and switched to the private school I work at.  I will forever be grateful for the support and love their teachers gave them (and me).  While it was a much better school year, it was still very difficult for them to monitor their self-control and pay attention when needed.  By the time they turned seven, we decided it was time to start medication.  I will never forget when our son, NJ, went to school on the first day he was medicated and he came home and said “I felt so smart today!”  This absolutely broke my heart-both boys are very smart and I felt terrible for allowing them to feel otherwise.  Medication was the answer for our family and while we have had to switch a couple of times as they grew and occasionally battle with the insurance company (stimulants are a controlled substance and for whatever reason, our insurance company kept insisting that I was trying to fill 2 prescriptions for one child, instead of 1 prescription for 2 children), this was the tool that allowed my children to focus, learn, and control impulses so they could make friends.  

My daughter’s story is different.  While she always struggled with anxiety (and at 16, still does), she was mostly able to concentrate in school.  She also repeated Kindergarten, but she has a late June birthday, so that is a common scenario for retention.  She had to work very hard, but she was learning and succeeding in school, while participating in a variety of extracurricular activities…until sixth grade.  This is when it would take her noticeably longer to finish projects and homework.  We had many late nights, tears, and occasionally panic attacks.  She was 13 before we got an ADHD diagnosis-she was the classic girl ADHD-inattentive, but behaved in class.  With her severe anxiety, we ran into the chicken or the egg scenario: was the anxiety causing her to be inattentive or was the ADHD increasing her anxiety because she was afraid of missing stuff.

Moving forward to today: my sons are 14 and thriving in school.  They still struggle with executive function, specifically with long term planning, organization, and task initiation, but they also accept that that is something that they need to work on.  They have amazing advisors and teachers who care about them and are helping them with those goals.  My daughter is 16, driving (HOORAY!), taking 2 AP classes and 1 Honors class, volunteering, working, and playing volleyball.  She does still struggle with taking tests, which may also be largely due to her anxiety, but she is great at using her school accommodations, advocating for herself, and seeing her counselor regularly for her anxiety.  

Why do I bring all of this up?  Because I feel like it’s important to know that getting a diagnosis isn’t a linear path-everyone experiences different emotions and challenges, this is just my family’s story.  Also, medication is not the answer for everyone, but it is an important option that is worth considering.  There are other non-drug therapies to consider as well!  Medication was a lifesaver for my children, but I respect that that is not a choice that is right for everyone.

While I provided a snapshot of our journey, know that the days were very long during this time.  There was much crying (both myself and my children), meltdowns, and guilt that I was failing as a parent.  This took a big toll on my own health.  The constant worrying for my children and their futures increased my cortisol, and my blood pressure and weight became elevated, I was exhausted all of the time, and I didn’t know what to do.  This is what sparked my decision to start my virtual health coaching practice-when parents and caregivers have ailing health, they can’t be the advocate that their children need; they can’t be the best possible parents that your children need; and you can’t live the lives you deserve!