I have always been an advocate for clients to find ways to unmask.  There is so much research that shows that extensive masking is dangerous to your health and is a primary cause of burnout in neurodivergent individuals.  It would make sense to find ways to minimize this and be yourself.

And yet…what do you tell a teenager who is struggling to fit in?  An adult who is struggling to keep a job?  The reality is masking does serve a useful purpose, in small doses.  It feels unnatural and unaccepting to tell your child that they need to act differently to fit in-after all, aren’t parents supposed to love their children regardless of any characteristic or perceived flaw?  Parents feel guilty telling their kids to act like everyone else-as if who they are isn’t enough.  

However, the best gift we can give our neurodivergent kiddos is a toolkit to help them “read the room”, develop awareness of situations, and give them options on how to act.  This is a very nuanced skill that takes time to develop, but this blog will give you some suggestions on how to approach this.

What Is Masking?

Masking is hiding who you really are in order to fit in.  Neurodivergent children do this a lot without ever being taught.  They may try to stay in their seats when really, their body wants to move.  They may laugh at a joke without understanding why it’s funny.  They may seem like they are paying attention and are “good, compliant students”, but are daydreaming and in actuality, have no idea what is going on (read: why girls are usually late-diagnosed with ADHD).  Masking is essentially a survival mechanism to seem neurotypical.  However, it is exhausting to keep up all day, which is how it leads to burnout.

Why Masking Isn’t Always Good—or Always Bad

As I mentioned above, masking is a coping or safety strategy.  Given that definition, chronic masking can trigger or lead to anxiety because the individual constantly doesn’t feel safe, so they have to hide who they are.  There are levels of masking though-we all do it to an extent.  Think about going to a big work event-you wouldn’t tell every new person you met about your childhood dog?  We all reserve parts of ourselves if we are meeting new people, speaking to bosses, or in a variety of other situations.  Unfortunately, not all neurodivergent people have situational awareness, so they rely on masking to prevent any missteps or embarrassment.

When Masking May Be Helpful

• Situations where children may choose to adjust their behavior.
• Safety-based situations 
• Some social situations, such as when you first meet someone and you are deciding how much of yourself to share with them and when.

The take home point is we want to emphasize masking as a CHOICE, not an obligation.  

How to Teach the Difference Between “Safe” and “Unsafe” Spaces

Neurodivergent children thrive with explicit teaching, so discussing these topics with your children will help build their confidence in deciding what is a safe space and what isn’t.  Examples include:

• Characteristics of emotionally safe people.
• Characteristics of supportive environments.
• How children can learn to recognize acceptance and respect.
• Why trust develops over time.

Help your child create a mental image of what these look like so they can recognize it in real life.

---

Give Your Child Permission to Unmask

The best way to help your child build an unmasking routine is to create one at home.  When you prioritize:

• Home as a recovery space.
• Creating routines where no performance is expected.
• Validating sensory, emotional, and communication needs.

Your child solidifies these habits into their daily routines.  

Practical Ways to Build Decision-Making Skills

• Discussing different environments before entering them.
• Role-playing different scenarios. (this is a GREAT way to practice ahead of time!)
• Helping children identify their body’s signals.
• Teaching consent and personal boundaries.
• Building self-advocacy skills.

Signs Your Child May Be Masking Too Much

• Increased meltdowns after school (especially if you have a Kindergartener and they are adjusting to “big school” for the first time.  If this sign persists, it may be due to masking too much)
• Exhaustion or burnout.
• Anxiety.
• Perfectionism.
• Loss of identity or confidence.
• Difficulty expressing needs.

Common Mistakes Parents Make (Without Realizing It)

• Rewarding only “typical” behavior.
• Expecting children to mask all day.
• Assuming quiet means regulated-with one of my sons, quiet is a warning sign and it’s easy to assume that everything is fine when there is quiet in the house.
• Forgetting recovery time after demanding environments-in today’s society, it’s easy to want to push kids to do homework when they get home to “get it out of the way”.  I fall into this trap with my children a lot.  However, they definitely need transition time, ESPECIALLY if they are neurodivergent.

The Goal Isn’t Perfect Social Skills—It’s Psychological Safety

• Confidence over compliance-I know it sounds like we are teaching kids to be compliant, but really, we are helping to build their confidence in their choice-making.
• Teaching flexibility without sacrificing authenticity-as parents, we want our kids to be able to get along with different types of personalities, but sometimes that means that “one size doesn’t fit all”.  
• Helping children understand they don’t have to earn belonging by pretending to be someone else-if a person really can’t appreciate who they are, then they have the freedom to set a boundary and move on.

Conclusion

This is definitely NOT a one-time lesson, this takes lots of opportunities for practice and is best if you can start at a younger age.  When we help children understand when they have a choice builds confidence, resilience, and self-awareness.  It also decreases anxiety because then they aren’t as afraid of not knowing how to act.  Building these skills in children will help them become adjusted adults who can be flexible in different situations and connect with a variety of personalities.