Before I received my anxiety diagnosis, work was a nightmare for me.  I went in every day and on the surface, it looked like I had everything together.  But little did anyone know that I was actually afraid to answer the phone or check my email.  The chime of a new email coming in was the worst, I immediately was afraid that I was getting some bad news.  And in my current state-everything was bad news.  I couldn’t let anyone see how I really felt because I was afraid people would think I was less capable than I was, so I kept performing.  I was so exhausted every day from trying to hold the pieces together, that all I could do was crash on the couch as soon as I got home.  I was very short with my family because I didn’t have any energy left to help them with their problems.  On Fridays, I was done-absolutely no energy left for anything except laying on my bed, door closed, all lights off, and hopefully I would just fall asleep immediately at 5 PM.  I went years feeling like this before I finally received a generalized anxiety diagnosis and began treatment and counseling.  

Masking is hiding your neurodivergent tendencies from others, usually to appear more neurotypical.  It is usually done out of fear of not fitting into a social group, or fear of not being seen as capable at work.  Over time, you over-rely on masking and develop a fear that if you stop, then everything will fall apart-work, your family, your friends, even your identity in severe cases.  

It’s important for so many reasons to be able to unmask and feel like yourself.  This doesn’t take a huge overhaul, but with careful, strategic planning, you can find ways to be yourself, preserve your energy, and enjoy your life.

What Masking Actually Looks Like in Adults

Masking isn’t always obvious

On the surface, no one can probably tell that you are masking, since masking helps you blend in.  This can look like:

• Over-functioning
• Constant self-monitoring
• People pleasing
• Forcing eye contact/social energy
• Hiding sensory needs
• Pretending tasks are “easy”

Why high-achieving neurodivergent adults often miss it

• Productivity can hide distress-this is why ADHD is so often missed in girls.  They are still productive, so no one knows that there is a problem.
• Caregivers/parents learn to prioritize others first, putting their own needs last.
• Masking becomes identity over time

The hidden cost of long-term masking

• Burnout
• Emotional numbness
• Chronic exhaustion
• Resentment
• Loss of identity
• Nervous system dysregulation

Why Unmasking Feels So Scary

Masking probably protected you at some point

It all started because you wanted to blend in.  Situations where masking is commonly used include: 

• Social survival
• Safety
• Acceptance
• Employment
• Family stability

Fear of rejection or conflict

At the time, it felt easier to pretend you were okay instead of expressing your concerns.  Common fears about unmasking might be:

• “What if people think I’ve changed?”
• “What if I disappoint everyone?”
• Fear of losing relationships or structure

The all-or-nothing trap

The largest problem with setting any health goal is all-or-none thinking.  People believe that if they don’t do a large overhaul, then ultimately they won’t be successful.  Unfortunately that is a direct path for failure.  If you want to work towards unmasking, it has to be gradual, small strategic steps you can be consistent with.

• Unmasking is not:
  • Quitting your job tomorrow
  • Telling everyone everything
  • Never compromising again

What “Safe Unmasking” Actually Means

Safety before authenticity

• Emotional safety
• Financial safety
• Relational safety
• Nervous system safety

Start with private spaces first

• Home routines
• Clothing/sensory choices
• Rest needs
• Food preferences
• Communication preferences

Unmasking is experimentation, not a personality overhaul

• Trying small adjustments-keep what feels natural, don’t continue with things that don’t
• Observing energy levels
• Letting authenticity emerge slowly

Small Ways to Start Unmasking Without Upending Your Life

Stop forcing unnecessary discomfort

Examples:

• Wearing sensory-friendly clothes
• Using headphones
• Reducing social obligations
• Allowing recovery time

By reducing sensory discomfort, you are keeping your nervous system regulated, making it easier to be authentic.

Practice more honest communication

Self advocacy is such a great tool.  Ways you can do this discreetly are: 

• “I need more processing time”
• “I’m overloaded today”
• “I can’t commit to that right now”

Let go of performance in low-risk situations

• Dropping excessive apologizing
• Not over-explaining
• Allowing silence
• Saying no earlier
• Not saying yes to everything

Create “mask-off” recovery spaces

• At home
• In the car
• During transitions
• After social interactions

It is so important for you to have a space where you feel safe and can be yourself.  

How Relationships May Shift (And Why That’s Normal)

Some people benefited from the mask

• Important nuance without shaming others
• People may react to new boundaries or honesty and you need to be prepared for all feelings

Healthy relationships adapt over time

• The right people often respond with relief or understanding
• Authenticity can deepen connection

Grieving the old version of yourself

• Identity changes
• Late diagnosis grief
• Rebuilding self-trust

The important take-home message is that all feelings are okay when going through this process.  That is why it’s so important to go slow, so you can process everything.

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Unmasking as a Parent or Caregiver

The pressure to “hold everything together”

• Especially relevant for overwhelmed caregivers
• Super important to find a “village” who can help (and I get that asking for help is hard, I struggle with it greatly)

Modeling regulation over perfection

• Children often benefit from seeing realistic needs and boundaries
• Use age-appropriate language and imagery (please back up from my “bubble”

Why your needs matter too

• Burnout affects the whole household
• Sustainability over constant self-sacrifice
• You do not need to walk through life feeling miserable-you get a say in how it should look!

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Signs You’re Unmasking in a Healthy Way

• Less exhaustion after social interaction
• More awareness of needs
• Reduced resentment
• Feeling more emotionally present
• More sustainable routines
• Increased self-trust
• Nervous system feels calmer, not constantly activated

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What to Do If Unmasking Feels Overwhelming

Go slower

• Smaller changes count!

Focus on regulation first

• Sleep
• Nutrition
• Sensory recovery
• Support systems

If your nervous system is regulated, then it’s easier to try new things successfully.

Seek supportive spaces

• Neurodivergent community
• Therapy/coaching-register for a free consultation to see how 1:1 neuro-affirming coaching could help here.
• Safe friendships

Unmasking is not about becoming someone new; rather, it’s about reducing the exhaustion of pretending and honoring your true self.  Successful unmasking is sustainable and helps create self-trust in your thoughts and decisions.  

What’s one small thing you could stop forcing this week?