One of my 15-year-old sons realized that he could put an earring all of the way through his earlobe, a “project” he started two years ago.  He accidentally put a boy scout lapel pin in his ear and his twin brother and I laughed hysterically.  Afterwards, we all happily went to bed.  

The next morning, he came downstairs with an actual earring in his ear and announced he was going to wear it to school.  I lost my mind.  I told him that he needed to take it out or I would do it for him.  Surprisingly, he listened to my ultimatum and took it out, but was mad at me for the whole ride to school.  

I’m still not sure why I was so mad.  I wasn’t mad the night before, even though he permanently altered his ear with a push pin.  But I went from casually listening to ABBA while getting ready for work to flames coming out of my ears.  It was such an intense emotion that I wasn’t even prepared for it.

What is Happening to Me?

In many neurodivergent adults, executive function can be impaired.  When we experience executive dysfunction, we tend to react suddenly or impulsively without processing emotions first.  Our nervous system becomes overwhelmed and we react when it is dysregulated.  This is very common, especially in adults who have anxiety, ADHD, or autism.  This is not a character flaw; in fact, this can be a strength because you feel things deeply, including caring for others.  But it is a definite challenge because your emotions can come on suddenly and so strongly that you just explode.  I have generalized anxiety and basically have a high level of fear all of the time, so this makes sense for me personally.  

The Hidden Cost of Trying to Survive with Emotional Dysregulation

While I recovered quickly from my outburst, the damage was already done. My son (who was also emotionally dysregulated) was mad at me for the whole ride to school.  As a parent, it’s a regular occurrence that I let someone down, and the guilt doesn’t help my own emotional regulation.  But the reality is, if it goes unchecked, it can cause bigger issues.  Trying to hide our emotions by masking can create more stress that can chip away at your physical health (stay tuned for another post about that!). Additionally, if you have neurodivergent children, they are also struggling with remaining emotionally regulated, which is exhausting for all of you.  Attempting to keep up appearances and bottling emotions can create tension in your home, workplace, and long-term masking is associated with burnout and sometimes identity crisis.  Have you ever just “dealt with” emotions and feelings and then found it hard to recognize yourself?  You deserve better!

Why Typical Advice Doesn’t Work

My least favorite phrases when it comes to emotional dysregulation are: 

• “Just calm down”
• “Be more consistent”
• “Try harder / be more disciplined”

If you could do these things, don’t you think you would have already tried them?!  Emotional regulation isn’t an effort issue; it’s linked to how your brain is wired.  The key to success is to find strategies that work for YOUR brain, not necessarily a neurotypical one.

What Actually Helps 

When your routines don’t match your capacity—or your environment doesn’t support the way your brain works—even simple things can start to feel like too much.

When I work with clients, we start by understanding how you actually function, day to day. Together, we look at what feels heavy, inconsistent, or draining, and then build systems that genuinely support you in real life—not just in theory.  It’s about creating structure that works with you, so things feel clearer, steadier, and a lot less pressured.

Some great first steps include:

• Nervous system regulation-breathing exercises
• Incorporating mindfulness practices to reduce your heart rate
• Simplifying routines to prevent frustration
• Releasing unrealistic expectations
• Naming emotions as you feel them
• Recognizing triggers as soon as possible to prevent emotional explosions

Over time, the goal is simple: life starts to feel more manageable, more natural, and more like you’re working with yourself instead of constantly pushing against yourself.

Most importantly, you don’t have to go it alone-developing a support system and advocating for help are crucial to success!  If you’re like me and you have a hard time asking for help, roleplaying with a trusted person can be helpful.  Above all, you won’t be perfect at regulating your emotions all of the time and that’s okay-none of us are.  But don’t give up-consistency will beat perfection every time.  

You are not alone and you are not broken.  Raising children today is challenging and sometimes the world makes that job feel extremely heavy.  If you are looking for support to regain control of your health, peace, and home, I specialize in partnering with clients to find ways to respond instead of react.  

You are not too much; you are overwhelmed-and that can change.